Starbucks: Dry your hands!

At the Institute of Help we are fan of signs. We care less about the content of the signs than about the signage structure and it's surroundings. Before you even get to ask, yes I can share that our second favorite type of sign is the dollar bill sign; however we currently prefer the euro sign by about 1.4 times more than the dollar sign. Which really makes the dollar sign 3rd place in the 2011 Signage Rank.

When the Institute held it's bi-weekly annual Leadership and English-Language Development conference at the local Starbucks last week, we were greatly pleased that we were able to land Moumar Qadaffi as our keynote speaker on facing adversity in the work-place. We were also pleased to see that the always slightly arrogant friendly people of Starbucks had gone above and beyond their call of duty in showing how one should hygiene themselves upon a trip to the waterloo.

Of course, people know how to wash and dry their hands, but it's always polite and gentlemanly to remind them how to do it. Here then is the recommended manner:





1. Wet (with water)
2. Soap (using soap)
3. Wash (for 20 sec)
4. Rinse (with water)
5. Dry (with a paper towel)
6. Turn off water (using a paper towel)

Sure it may seem like the instructions are on a hand-dryer, which would seemingly contradict the paper-towel portion of the instructions. But no, Starbucks has used the dryer as a conduit for the ever-popular technique of explanation through visualization. You don't use the dryer to dry your hands. You use it to visualize drying your hands with paper towels. Not a hand-dryer but a communication vessel. Genius. Clever clever Starbucks.

Fun: N/A

Safety: 5/5

Overall: 4/5

Life Changing Product

Here at the Institute of Help we are always on the lookout for the latest innovative products to share with you, the reader. So when my siesta-taking, ceviche-eating, maya-ruin-visiting, pinto-driving cousin Jose Antonio Julio Marquez Botero Marquez de la Espada Marquez Jr. tells me that he has the best invention in the past 10 years, I am all ears and ready to get patted down to make my way down to Cosoleacaque, Mexico. “It will change your life forever” Jose clichéd.

One flight, two bus-rides, and three donkey shuttles later, I arrive at my cousins hammock to talk shop.
Leading me into a nearby building he takes me past two rooms with [editor snip] and exclaims “Tada! Ayayayayayai!” It appears to be a brand new toilet but in reality it is a used toilet.

Institute of Help: “What is this?”
JAJMBMEM: “A toilet”
Institute of Help: “You didn't have this before?”
JAJMBMEM: “Oh yeah I guess we did”



Safety: 1/5
Fun: 2/5
Overall: 1/10

The Zoo reviewed

"Oh yeeeeeahhh, ohhh yeeeeahhhhh, best animal evarrrr" I could hear as I took a turn around the bend at the zoo. Not being 6'4 my vision was impeded so I could not yet see the organism that this honest-yet-vague praise was for. The foldable zoo map could have clued me in, but I could not find the 'you are here' sign. But from this level of excitement, it meant that people were being entertained by 1) A baby Panda 2) a baby elephant or 3) a baby bush-baby

To my surprise, there was a fourth dark-horse candidate all along: a fuggging actual dark horse.

When people think about the most world-class animals, people usually think of tigers, lions, snakes and alligators. My first thought always goes to horses. Zoos have turned their back on horses for a while now and I for one am happy that now they are once again beginning to be recognized for their contributions to society. I long for the day when I can go to a zoo and see some top specimen chickens, cats, dogs, goldfish, horses, squirrels. So to the 4th grade youngster who said this was the best animal ever, you sir are an imperative thinker.

Other things I would like to see more of at the zoo:

- Tigers

- Lions

- Snakes

- Alligators

- Less gypsies

Fun: 8/10

Safety: 2/10

Overall: 10/10 (cumulative)

American Express - Clarifying Examples

American Express sets the gold-standard for customer service, contractibility, and clarifying examples. You will have to take my word on the first two items but the latter will be illustrated in this space. I knew that I owed about seven hundred USD after using my Amex credit card to purchase an Amex giftcard of the same value, which I was going to use to purchase pre-paid electrical/heating credit. When I was to enter the amount though, I was confused as to what the proper notation should be. I called my friend David Villa and asked for advice. He didn’t who I was, so he hung up. Luckily the figure I owed did not have any three’s - as you know that I struggle with that number – so I just decided to brave it and put in ‘111’ as my desired payment amount. This is a number that I like because each digit represents the number of brains I have, number of cars I drive at once and number of training manuals that I have written, respectively.

ERROR. F*, that is not a valid amount, per Amex. Other websites, vendors and forums may often times identify the errors for you, but where they fall short is in suggesting resolutions for said issue. This is where Amex becomes a beacon of light shining into the dark abyss of numerical semantics and bureaucracy.

‘111’ being incorrect, I was offered the following examples to lead me down the path to making a logical entry.

1) 1234.56

“Oh, I need to have four digits in the lead”

2) 413.00

“Theory one disproved, six sig-figs needed”

3) 1,236.78

“Theory wrong once again, I need four digits in the lead, with a comma if necessary.”

4) 345,678.00

“Theory three disproved, as was theory one disproved earlier by example item two.”

In the end, I correctly settled on paying 777.77 because each number represents my favorite number of olives to hold in my hand, respectively. This however created a credit entry greater than 10% of my last balance, so the transaction was forwarded to the anit-money-laundering/fraud department. They were understanding and polite, though they passed on my invite to join my Amway upline.

Overall Rating: Superb

Fun Factor: 4/10

Safety: 9/10

Letters of the Alphabet Class

Illiteracy is a major problem is Burkina Faso, where the literacy rate is a staggering 23.6%. Virginia public libraries though, are doing their best to keep their kids from falling into the arms of illiteracy. Provided on the 6^th or October was the Letters of the Alphabet class.

The instructor taught a great acronym for remembering all of the letters of the alphabet. Feel free to use it as you see fit, the acronym is: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. Boom, each letter of the acronym corresponds to a letter in the alphabet, chronologically too. Additionally, the alphabet-guru taught us a quite useful rhyme to remember the alphabet:

Andrew behaved cowardly, ducking every fired gun.

Historically imitating Jimmy Kimmel, lacking moral nostalgia

Openly prancing quaintly, rascally sucking thumb

Unknowingly vocalizing wild xenophobia yonder Zambia

To summarize the class:

Pros:

1. Covered all letters of the alphabet

2. Small but comfortable chairs

3. Great back and forth discussion / debate

Cons:

1. Did not cover numbers, I know how to say and write ‘three’’ but I don’t know what the numerical representative is. “168”. Is that “three”?

2. Did not include international symbols such as ñ, ữ, or ₪.

168. Fingerplay not as expected

Overall Rating: Top-quality

Fun Factor: 9/10

Safety: 9.5/10

Handicapped Sign Review

This spot, this carving onto the earth, provides the much demanded accessibility required for viewing able-bodied children play tag, mulch or go up the stairs (6 steps). This posting has legal authority and precedence (through city ordinances) to keep at bay those children with properly functioning extremities who may otherwise want to loiter the gravelly area of the park. Please, reader, let me address one important fact that seems to be a understated in the provided photo-image. This space is not a parking spot nor is it immediately adjacent to a lot or road. To access this locality you must go up a small trail, maybe 200 feet. It is not that far, but rest assured, it is not a spot that can be reached by car. This factoid just ups the efficiency of the provided spot as one will need not wrangle with automobiles for this decisive enclave. Please do not try to roll your ‘chair into the playground area though because this playset does not have ramps and gravity prevents you from sliding upwards through the slides.

Overall Rating: Above-average

Fun Factor: 7/10

Safety: 10/10